{"id":116,"date":"2015-02-16T19:38:24","date_gmt":"2015-02-17T00:38:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/zachbarnesonwriting.wordpress.com\/?p=116"},"modified":"2015-02-16T19:38:24","modified_gmt":"2015-02-17T00:38:24","slug":"wtq-what-the-query","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/zacharybarnes.us\/index.php\/2015\/02\/16\/wtq-what-the-query\/","title":{"rendered":"WTQ – What the Query?!"},"content":{"rendered":"

So hey, I talked about queries once upon a time, but I realized that I never really said\u00a0how<\/em> they’re written. \u00a0This is definitely important, because you can’t find instructions to write query letters\u00a0anywhere else on the internet. \u00a0<\/em>I mean, this link<\/a> would certainly not<\/strong> take you to an hour-and-a-half Q&A with a real live agent who tells you what to write in your query letter… \u00a0And this forum<\/a> definitely isn’t a place to give and receive critiques with other aspiring writers… Like I said: you can’t find nothing. \u00a0Trust me, I’ve checked everywhere. \u00a0The whole internet.<\/p>\n

Let’s assume that you disregard the above advice and wish to sell your\u00a0mms<\/em> for super big bucks (wow, this post is\u00a0so<\/em> sarcastic…) \u00a0To do this, ye must scribe\u00a0a querye lettre. \u00a0And if your mission is to write the most\u00a0terrible<\/em> query letter of all time, this\u00a0post will show you just how to do it. \u00a0Yay. \u00a0Woo.<\/p>\n

1. If you want to write a terrible query letter, misspell the agent’s name, or just slap on a nice old bland “To Whom it May Concern,” \u00a0Really, why would you personalize your query\u00a0if you want it to be terrible? \u00a0Especially stray away from any humanizing characteristics your protagonist might possess. \u00a0The agent might actually begin to connect with you, the author, and who wants that? \u00a0Agents are\u00a0super gross<\/em>. \u00a0Think cooties. \u00a0But big, literary ones.<\/p>\n

2. Capitulate to your enigmatic ways: leave the genre a complete mystery. \u00a0Only an agent who actually wants to know what they’re representing will want to know what genre your book falls into. \u00a0This is a very important step in writing a bad query letter.<\/p>\n

3. Similarly to number 2 (hah) don’t include the title or word-count of your book, or, include the title, but\u00a0spell it all wrong!<\/em>\u00a0 That way you look incompetent AND mysterious.<\/p>\n

4. Put mountains in your query letter.<\/p>\n

\"If<\/a>
If a picture’s worth 1,000 words, then this is your whole query letter, right?<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Just kidding, putting mountains in your query\u00a0will win you all the agent love in the entire\u00a0world.<\/p>\n

5. In the perfectly terrible query letter, make sure that your plot synopsis is roughly fifty-three pages long and focuses exclusively on sub-points and side-characters. \u00a0You don’t want to focus it on the impetus for action in your book–instead give a general gloss-over of the entire\u00a0<\/em>plot in as vague of terms as possible.\u00a0 And by all means, give away the ending, too! \u00a0You wouldn’t want to risk piquing someone’s interest by cliff-hanging that bad boy…<\/p>\n

6. By NO MEANS WHATSOEVER should you even\u00a0consider<\/em> writing a one-sentence ‘elevator pitch’ to start your summary. \u00a0Summarizing the thematic gist–the central conflict–is UTTERLY FUTILE if you want to write the perfect worst-query-letter. \u00a0In fact, you ought to stray as far away from the central theme as possible. \u00a0The less conflict your plot seems to have, the better!<\/p>\n

7. Don’t personalize–don’t include your address, your previous writing accolades (you don’t want to look like a braggart, sheesh) and definitely don’t let them know if your query\u00a0is a multiple submission.<\/p>\n

8. And finally, if you want to write the worst query letter in the world, the WORST thing you can do is actually send it out. \u00a0The most perfect worst query is the one that is written following the above six steps and promptly deleted, laptop burned, etc. etc. amen.<\/p>\n

As an unrelated side note, I’m posting Chapter 2 this Friday, so let the comments rain down. \u00a0Tell your family, tell your friends. \u00a0You know the shtick.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m on facebook at:\u00a0https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/zachbarnesonwriting<\/span><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

And Twitter: @ZacharyBarnes4<\/p>\n

Like or follow me if you enjoy\u00a0the blog!<\/p>\n

\u2013<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t steal\u00a0my words. \u00a0They\u2019re mine. Zachary Barnes 2015\u00a9<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

So hey, I talked about queries once upon a time, but I realized that I never really said how they’re written. This is definitely important, because you can’t find instructions to write query letters anywhere else on the internet.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":117,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"amazonpipp_noncename":"","amazon-product-isactive":"","amazon-product-single-asin":"","amazon-product-content-location":"","amazon-product-content-hook-override":"","amazon-product-excerpt-hook-override":"","amazon-product-singular-only":"","amazon-product-amazon-desc":"","amazon-product-show-gallery":"","amazon-product-show-features":"","amazon-product-newwindow":"","amazon-product-show-list-price":"","amazon-product-show-used-price":"","amazon-product-show-saved-amt":"","amazon-product-timestamp":"","amazon-product-new-title":"","amazon-product-use-cartURL":"","amazon_featured_post_meta_key":"","_amazon_featured_alt":"","amazon-product-template":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0},"categories":[30,31,52],"tags":[58,61,67,88,98,152,153,154,167,204],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":64,"url":"https:\/\/zacharybarnes.us\/index.php\/2015\/01\/21\/query-queueing-qqs\/","url_meta":{"origin":116,"position":0},"title":"Query Queueing (QQs)","date":"January 21, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Even if your prose would make McCarthy cry with jealousy, your book will not see the light of day without a well-crafted query.","rel":"nofollow","context":"In \"Fantasy\"","img":{"src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":87,"url":"https:\/\/zacharybarnes.us\/index.php\/2015\/02\/03\/failed-permanently\/","url_meta":{"origin":116,"position":1},"title":"*Failed Permanently*","date":"February 3, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"I struggle against the concept of permanent failure, probably because failure to me always means coming back and trying again in a different way. Failure is impetus for harder work, and certainly isn\u2019t permanent. If anything, failure is transitory.","rel":"nofollow","context":"In \"Inspiration\"","img":{"src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":162,"url":"https:\/\/zacharybarnes.us\/index.php\/2015\/03\/26\/the-bloggeth-returneth-glorious\/","url_meta":{"origin":116,"position":2},"title":"The Bloggeth Returneth. Glorious!","date":"March 26, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Needless to say, juggling the two roles is going to be difficult. They're two sides of the author-coin. Why, cruel world, do you insist I use both hemispheres of my brain?!?","rel":"nofollow","context":"In \"Business\"","img":{"src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/zacharybarnes.us\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/116"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/zacharybarnes.us\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/zacharybarnes.us\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/zacharybarnes.us\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/zacharybarnes.us\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=116"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/zacharybarnes.us\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/116\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/zacharybarnes.us\/index.php\/wp-json\/"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/zacharybarnes.us\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=116"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/zacharybarnes.us\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=116"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/zacharybarnes.us\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=116"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}